I’ve wanted to be a mother ever since I could remember. The notion of caring for a tiny, dependent, adorable human being always seemed like the best job in the world to me. When I was little, I used to play “mommy” and take care of all my baby dolls as if they were real. I would meticulously feed them bottles, change their diapers and clothes and rock them to sleep. Looking back, I still wonder what it was about these tasks that seemed so appealing to me. Was I trying to imitate my own mother, who was and still is the most amazing mother I’ve ever known? Or was it just an innate sense that this is what I was destined to be? Either way, I spent my entire young life preparing to be a mother.

As I grew older, I babysat for lots of families – one of which consisted of four siblings, including a set of twins (just like my own family). That is the family where I essentially became a nanny and was even mistaken a few times as “mama.” I could never explain how good it felt to feel so attached to these beautiful children, and for them to love me in return. My mom used to say, “Just wait until you have  your own. It will feel 100 times more amazing.” I believed her but couldn’t quite fathom what that would feel like. Later, my older brothers began to have kids. I went to help them (more like an attempt to swoop in and save them) with their newborns each time after all the parents went home, right before reality set in that they were on their own. I would hold these new miracles in my arms feeling the strongest connection I’ve ever felt to new life; knowing that we shared blood, physical and personality characteristics and family. I became almost obsessed with my nieces and nephews, relishing every time I saw them and missing them deeply all the time we were apart. I was addicted to them, needing my “fix” every few months to go on living a happy life.

Then, finally, it was my turn. The day I had waited for all my life. Mayer Akiva Feinstein was born June 27, 2013. And as my own mother promised, I fell in love harder with that child than I ever knew was humanly possible. My purpose in life had come to fruition. He was put on this earth for me to love and nurture. I was overwhelmed with joy. Sometimes (almost one year later) I feel like my heart might burst with all the love I feel for this perfect, precious, magnificent boy.

Of course this past year has had lots of challenges as well. When it’s your own child, you care for them 24/7, 365 days out of the year – a vast difference from anything I had experienced before. I have been sleep deprived to the point of feeling like I was dying. I have been covered with someone else’s bodily fluids. I have lost all patience and understanding to the point of not being able to look at my child for a good while. “Cabin fever” took on a whole new meaning. And my body has been used, beaten up, stretched out, and taken on a new shape – even after losing all the baby weight.

But all of that is what makes motherhood so good. If it wasn’t challenging and messy and let’s face it, sometimes nearly impossible, we wouldn’t feel (at least not nearly as much) the stark contrast of the rewards…the smiles, belly laughs, cuddles, learning from one another, and the milestones that seem like little miracles each time they occur. The “hard” is what makes it so completely fulfilling.

Every night, I nurse my baby and rock him as he drifts off to dreamland. It is my favorite time of day. For once, this active wiggle worm has given in to tiredness and seeks comfort in the only person who he would be vulnerable and let go with. It is dark and quiet and we are the only two souls that exist. I find myself squeezing him extra tight, trying to hold on to this amazing feeling that I know I won’t get too much longer. I think to myself how lucky I am to have this sweet, healthy baby in my arms. And sometimes I still can’t believe he’s mine. He is my ultimate dream come true.

Becoming a mother has defined me as much as any one thing can. It is my super power and my fuel that drives me in life. It is the greatest blessing and the most challenging career. It is so beautiful and I am loving every single minute.